No More Goodbyes

Goodbyes are never easy, but are usually the same. "Every hello ends with a goodbye." Sometimes the goodbyes are for the best, other times, you just weren't ready to say goodbye yet. Whether you are saying goodbye for the night, a month, a year, five years, or forever, there is always a part of you that remains with that person. I feel as though when we meet people, we give a piece of ourselves away with them. Our friends and family have a piece of our hearts that will remain there forever. The people that we meet in passing may have a piece of our life, just as we have a piece of theirs.

When I know that someone is leaving, I try to decide to either distance myself from them or spend as much time with them as i possibly can. The latter is probably the best thing I can do, however, sometimes that can be harder than the first option. When people come into our lives, they impact our lives, whether its a good impact or bad, and when they leave, life is never the same again. One of the hardest things to do is to let people go. I don't like change and when people are no longer in my life, I don't always handle it well. My best friend tells me she wants to live in New York or California. I always tell her that I need to start distancing myself from her now so that in a few years it won't be so hard. But, really, how could I do that? She's my best friend and I need her. Last year one of my good friends left to go back home really far away, and when I found out she was leaving, I cried all day. Then at the airport a few days later, I cried some more. Now, however, we still keep in touch and I still consider her one of my greatest friends. Its hard not being able to see that person that you saw everyday for so long, but the technology today makes it a bit easier. When a loved one dies before you were ready to say goodbye, its super hard. It's one of those times when you have to trust God, and hope that that person knew Jesus so that it wasn't goodbye, its see you soon.

I want to start changing all of my "Goodbye's" to "See you soon!" I feel that that would be a more optimistic approach that would help the process a good bit. It's never goodbye, just see you soon. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. Sometimes its hard to figure out that reason. If someone was only in your life for a short time, its hard to figure out why they were there. Maybe you helped them, or maybe they helped you. Regardless, everyone is in your life for a reason. Life is hard and goodbyes are hard, but holding onto memories that will last a lifetime is worth it. Treasure the memories, the people, the laughs, the cries. Life is short, so make the most of it.

I Just Might Bend but I Won't Break..

"Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, Who was and is and is to come, with all creation I sing praise to the King of Kings, You are my everything and I will adore You." Today I am very thankful for God and His amazing power! I woke up this morning in a mood that was not so pleasing. I was and still am dealing with feelings of anger and bitterness towards some situations in my life. So, this morning as I was walking to class feeling more anger than I should have been feeling, I prayed. I asked God to change my attitude. Only God has the power to do that. I should not have been acting the way I was. However, part of me didn't want to change my attitude. I felt that it was a righteous anger....but looking deeper into the situation, I realized, it was not. I was feeling as though I should call people out and get revenge. That was so wrong of me. Honestly, what I need to do is pray for these people and situations that have angered me. I don't know what is going on in a deeper level. I should pray that God works in their lives and works things out to their benefit, not my own. I'm thankful for the insight that God has shown me. This doesn't mean that I am not still bitter and angry because, unfortunately, I am. It only means that I am taking steps to work through these feelings. I am hoping to look past them.

Many times when we ask God to help us and change our attitude, we have to be willing to move past what we are feeling at that moment. If we aren't willing to make that change, then God isn't going to just give us what we want. We have to want the help and want the change. Often, I want to wallow in my own pity and just feel bad about things, but I honestly have no reason to do that. For me, I need to just sit and soak in my pity before I'm ready to talk about it, but that's a little different. People in our society today are not willing to move past things. If someone treats us bad, we hold grudges. If something goes wrong we throw a fit until we get our way. This is not what God says we should do. If someone hurts us, we should forgive and move past it. I don'd believe you should forget it completely, but you should be able to get to a point where it doesn't come up all the time, where it doesn't bother you so much. We should not hold grudges. It is a waste of time and energy. Never go to bed angry. Of course, we all want our way sometimes, but we should be willing to swallow our pride and let someone else have their way. Throwing a fit is immature and looks bad on your part. I am so guilty of all of these things.

I am also known for forgiving too easily. Is there such a thing? I am still not sure. Some things are hard to get over, God gives the strength to move on. Holding grudges is not something I do. Well, I try not to. People have hurt me in the past, but usually when they apologize all I say is, "It's fine." Perhaps I should give them a harder time about it, but maybe not. Carrying that weight around is not something that is easy, it's not fun. It takes a lot for me to stay mad at you. Tell me a joke after making me mad, and we're good. I find it hard to stay mad at people because I don't like when people are mad at me. God tells us to forgive and why shouldn't we? He forgives us so much more than we could ever deserve. We deserved to be punished but God loves us so much that He took that punishment for us. That is amazing! God's love is so miraculous and incredible. My challenge is to pray more and be willing to accept change, accept that God wants each of us to be happy. Forgiveness is hard, but put yourself in another person's shoes and see how that walk is.

"God never gives us more than we can bear, and He will let us bend, but He will never let us break"

A Little Bit of Everything

Every time I post a blog, it is more for me than it is for anyone else. I write these to help me cope with what is going on in my life. If it helps other people, then I'm glad, but if not, that's okay...it helps me. Don't get me wrong, I love for people to read my blog, but it is my coping method for life. Life. Stresses. Me. Out. For reals. I let things get to me more than I should. I tend to care too much about what others think of me and I tend to care about others more than myself. Not necessarily a bad thing, but not necessarily good either. My best friend and I were talking and we came to the realization that I like to help people. I try to see the good in people and I want people to reach their full potential, so no matter how much they drag me down, I still keep them in my life to try and help them. This isn't really good for me to do. I have a lot of anxiety issues and some people that are in my life, that cannot reach their full potential if it hit them between the eyes, make me anxious and worried all the time. I see the potential these people have, I see what they are capable of, but some of those people cannot swallow their pride, grow up, and trust that God will help them with anything that is thrown their way. Excuse the rant...

Lately I have felt that I am completely unequipped for so many things that I want to do. I feel like I can't do school, I feel absolutely stupid. I feel like I can't be in relationships, I feel like my relationship with God is not where it needs to be and where I want it to be, which I need to fix. Everything is just going down hill. However, I've been reminded that God does not call the equipped but He equips the called. If He has called me to do something, then He will make sure that I can do it. I just have to depend on Him to get me where I need to be. He will speak through me, and will work through me if I put in the effort. God's grace is sufficient and He can use anyone. Look in the Bible and you will see countless amounts of people who thought they could not be used by God, but were used in some of the most amazing ways. At one point, my mom had to teach a group of teenagers in our church and she always said that she was not the person to do that. She felt so unequipped. But God had her exactly where He wanted her and she is still there today. She may not always love what she is doing, but she should be happy that God is using her to make a difference. Definitly easier said than done.

I feel like a lot of times we just need to cry. I am not one to cry very often, but when I do, it's like a river. The other day was the worst day ever! I cried for half of the day. First, someone made me very upset and angry and then school stuff got me. I literally started crying and couldn't stop for about an hour. And then when I had to stop crying, I did, but as soon as I could start again, the waterworks wanted to come. I was put in more situations that made me upset and angry and so I cried some more. This was the day that I was most thankful for my friends. They comfort me and are always there for me. I hate to cry, but sometimes it's the best thing for you. God knows what we need at every moment of our lives. He is my Comfort and my Strength. Even with the struggles, God knows what is best for us, so we need to swallow our pride, our wants, and our desires, and submit to God. We need to obey Him. I am learning that He knows what is best. No matter how hard it may be, it is benefiting you in the long run. He does not want us to suffer. He loves each and every one of us and wants to see us happy and completely in love with Him. I hope that what I do is pleasing to Him in every way possible.

Worry Warts Anonymous

I’m tired of worrying. Why do I do it? It’s not helping anything. In fact, it’s hurting me more than anything. There’s nothing I would love more than to fix everything that is going wrong in my life right now. But….I can’t do anything. The more I try to fix things, the more they get messed up. It is not my place to fix things. It’s God’s. I don’t want to give up on trying, I want to fix everything! I’m tired of being frustrated and upset with things. God tells me not to worry about anything. However, all I ever do is worry. I have the hardest time letting things go, but until I let it go, I will always be bothered by it. I am only hurting myself when I don’t give things over to God. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to let things go.

I look into things more than I should and I always think about things in the worst way. That way, if I have my expectations low enough, I’ll never be disappointed. If something happens, I always think the worst case scenario. I think as a girl especially, I worry more than I should. Things that no one else really even thinks about worrying or getting nervous about makes me anxious in every way. It’s so stupid, and I know it is, yet I still cannot get rid of the anxiety.  I trust that God knows what He is doing, but I have a problem with wanting to fix it, or just not being able to accept things that I want to change.

Change is one of the things in life that I have the hardest time dealing with. When people that were in my life, leave or if the place that meant so much to me for so long changes, I don’t handle it well. I like consistency. Inconsistent people and things drive me absolutely crazy. God is always consistent. He never changes; He is always the same amazing Creator that loves each and every one of us more than we will ever be able to comprehend. I love that. I know that I am not always consistent. I want to be happy all the time, and most of the time I am. Sometimes, however, I just feel like I can’t be happy. There are people all over the world who have less than me and have things so much worse off than me and they are constantly happy, or at least try to be happy with their surroundings. That makes me selfish. I am full of pride and I am too busy soaking up the negatives in my life to realize how good I actually have it. I should choose to be happy. I have God, an amazing family, and great friends that I should be completely happy with. Sure we all have those days when we just feel like having a pity party, but when those days come, we need to thank God the most and ask Him to change our attitude to being happy with how much He has blessed us.

No matter what happens in life and no matter what crap life throws at me, I know that God will always be there, and that makes everything okay. I must choose to be happy in every circumstance. He will take care of things, He will take my burdens, and He will make me joyful. I hope to spill that joy out to others and not dwell on the negatives that I so easily and so often tend to do.

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Keep Your Head Up

Sometimes it seems as though life is completely against you. At these moments all I want to do is scream or cry and just give up. When things happen that make me ask why, it's hard to remember that God is on my side, and that He wants what is best for me. Some things happen that make me question everything. I wonder how I will get over it, how I can change the outcome. But, in reality, I can't. No matter how much I want to take things into my own hands and change the outcome, nothing helps.

Getting mad at God is hard for me because He isn't physically here. I tend to take out my frustrations on others. No one deserves that, but it's easier to blame others than to blame myself. It's easier to fuss about it when I can't do anything else about it. But, what I really need to do is suck it up and trust God. He knows the desires of our hearts, He knows. That does not mean He will give us everything we want, but it gives us hope that if we are in the center of God's will, that our desires for ourselves match the desires that God has for us. We should all pray that our desires match up with God's, and if they don't pray that God will change your desires to fit His perfectly.

I am stubborn. I tend to pray like this, "God, please let this certain thing happen, let it be your will, but if not that's cool too, but please please let it be." I kinda think that that's not right. I want my desires for my life to match God's desires for my life, but what if my current desires are not what God has planned for me? That's what gets me. My stubbornness comes into play and I hold on to those desires I have for myself. I have a hard time letting things go. I don't like change.

 I feel like I need a legitimate neon sign from God telling me what to do. I walk around waiting for things to happen, rather than going for the things that I want. This is a big problem I have and because of it, I have missed out on so many amazing opportunities just waiting for my neon sign. It can be as clear as day, but I still do nothing about it. I make excuses because I'm comfortable where I am. My comfort zone has become quite a quaint place. I do not want to step out of my comfort zone. I do not like being in situations that make me uncomfortable. I am fearful of many things. I have so many irrational fears. It's pretty ridiculous. It's about time to get rid of those fears and pursue God whole-heartedly and have faith that God will bring me through any situation that is uncomfortable. He has to grow me and stretch me to make me the person He wants me to be. College has made me step out of my comfort zone a bit, but I always find myself going back into hibernation. It's partially just because that's my personality. I am shy and I like to have time to myself to just reflect and think about life. However, no matter what happens, I know that God will always have me in the palm of His hands and He will never let go. He knows what is best and I sincerely hope that my desires match His desires for my life.

To be a Child Again

If you know me, you know that I love kids. I guess because I'm really immature and am not the smartest person on the planet, I just understand children better. I speak childrenease fluently! With my major, I have to go do practicum hours at a school and I have been assigned a kindergarten class. I just love it! The kids are absolutely hilarious and I enjoy just observing each child to find out what their personality is like. It's funny to be able to look at these children and see all of the potential each child has. I get along with children so well because they are blunt with what they say, and they don't judge you. If you show them attention, they automatically love you.

Children want to make you happy and want to do things for you. They want to be encouraged by you, they want to make you proud. If you tell a child something, they automatically believe you because you are "older and wiser." God tells us in Matthew 18:3 to have a childlike faith. Children so easily believe something, they aren't stuck in their ways like we may be. We are to love God and show others what it means to be a child of God. So many times, I wonder if people know that I am a child of God. I want people to know. I want it to be like something glowing all around me. Do people know? We should not have to wonder, we should be shining lights for God any and all the time.

My passion is for children. I want to start a christian orphanage so badly. I just think that would be the most amazing thing ever! All I know is that God has put this passion in my heart for a reason. Whether I just adopt or foster children, or work at or start an orphanage, be a teacher, be a missionary to children, I don't know. But God is going to use me in one way or another. I want to go back to having a childlike faith and completely trusting God with every aspect of my life. My younger sister has been a child of God now for about three years. I can tell with her that she has a childlike faith. I love to watch her when she has a prayer request or something and prays. It's so precious. She puts her trust in God to answer her prayer more than we do anymore. We think we understand so much about God, but really we never can truly grasp an understanding of God. He is unfathomable! There are so many things that we will never understand, but we should try to remember to have a childlike faith and trust in God with everything we have in us.

Matthew 18:3 "And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

Lost in Time

I'm lost in a place I once knew so well. This was the place in which I grew up, the place where I have some of my greatest memories. Home. Some say, "Home is where the heart is." Where is my heart? Sometimes, I'm not sure. Of course, Heaven will one day be my forever home, but where is my physical home. I live at college most of the time, but when I visit "home," it feels just like that...a "visit." It's no longer the place where I spend most of my time, or even where I sleep. There are times when I say, "I just need to go home." I need that comfort of being home with my family in a place with people and places that are familiar. I do feel comfort when I see the country that surrounds my home. It's like a breath of fresh air. But, when I get back to school, it is nice to be back with the people that have now become my home. My close friends are the ones who make college my home. It is not the buildings  no certainly not, but the people who make me feel comfort. I'm completely fine with not being home--the place where I grew up, as long as I know I have a family who loves me no matter where I am, and I do. 

There are people that I have met coming to college that have become some of my best friends that I hope will be in my life for a very long time. People come and people go. That is a concept that I have the most difficulty grasping. I understand it, I just don't want to accept it. When relationships end, I try everything in my power to fix it. Though some things just can't be fixed. My best friends in high school I barely talk to, definitely not friends from earlier than that. But my college friends, I want those relationships to last! My best friend is always talking about how she wants to become a movie star and go to New York or California. I always joke about distancing myself now so that things won't be harder when she later becomes famous and has to leave me forever. I don't want to lose her as a friend, and I refuse to. One of the most important guys in my life has tried to leave my life a number of times, but he hasn't yet succeeded. I say I can live without him, and I can, I just don't want to. Another one of my really good friends is from the middle of nowhere 1,826 or so miles away. I hope to remain friends with her for a long time as well. I have also met new people one of which has become an amazing friend already and I hope it stays that way. Each year, people enter and exit our lives and we are forced to be okay with it. Or are we?

I try to stay in touch, but laziness, and the business of  life gets in the way. I always try to remember that God puts people in our lives for a reason. Everyone we meet has a purpose in life. Whether we are helping them, or they are helping us. Regardless, those people help shape us into who we are today. I am definitely not the person I was when I first came to college, and I hope to continue to grow up and mature and grow in Christ throughout life. Meeting new people can be scary, but most of the time is one of the greatest things in life. Treasure the moments you have with friends and family and know where your heart lies. 

Never Grow Up

Okay, so don't judge me, but I'm already listening to Christmas music. Ahhh! I'm so excited for Christmas! I mean after all, it's the most wonderful time of the year! I have always hated when people listened to Christmas music too early or even the fact that before Halloween, decorations are already out, but last night I just couldn't help but listen to it. I know you will hear a thousand times during the next two months that Christmas is  about Jesus and it is, but I'm not going to talk about that. Jesus is the reason for the season, no doubt! Anyways, so last night my awesome roommate and I went for a walk and we ended up telling each other stories of things that happened when we were little. The stories we remember are the moments that impacted our lives the most. The times of getting hurt, or getting in trouble, or having the best day ever are the things that make us who we are today.

 I was lucky to grow up in a household where my parents are Godly, Christian people who raised me in the best way possible and helped shape me to be the person I am today. I don't always appreciate my parents like I should. Coming to college and hearing how other people struggled with their family has made me so much more grateful for the family God has given me. I can only hope that one day I will be as great of a parent to my future children as my parents were to me.

Growing up is just weird. I never thought I would be here. I didn't see myself actually making it to college and becoming the person that I am today. I'm starting to realize more and more that I'm growing up. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. I want to grow up, but then again, I don't. Growing up means being mature and making adult decisions. It means working and providing. It means taking care of yourself and possibly others too. It's a big responsibility that sometimes I wonder if I'm ready for. I'm one of the most immature people you'll ever meet. I am quite dependent on my parents even though I'm in college. For instance, a while back I had a really bad cold and had to go to the doctor. My mom has always made my doctor appointments for me and taken care of me and gotten my medicine and everything. My mom is not here with me at college so I had to go into the clinic by myself and do everything. I was a nervous wreck! Afterwards I was fine, but then I had to fill my prescription. What the mess was that supposed to mean to me?! I got my boyfriend at the time to take me and he helped me out, I felt so much like a child. That experience definitely made me realize how much I depend on my parents.This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but eventually I'm going to have to become independent and do things for myself.

Sometimes I feel like I'm almost there. I've mostly grown up and started to become more independent. I had to in order to come to college. But, it's hard because your parents don't want to let you go, and when they do, you wonder why they did. You want to feel like a child again. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to the times when there were a thousand presents under the tree at Christmas and my sister and I would stare googly-eyed at them until we felt that it was time for the parents to wake up. I want to go back to the time when my biggest worries were cleaning my room or deciding what I wanted to be for Halloween. Life was so much more simple then. However, I have learned so many things so I can only be grateful for the time I have had. We all have to grow up sooner or later, but as for right now, I think I'll choose later. I'm in the process of becoming the butterfly God made me to be, but this caterpillar stage is just a step in the right direction. God is forming me to be the person He wants to me to be and I can't wait to see all He has in store for me and all the people around me.

It happens

"I don't need you, I only need God. But because of God I have chosen perfectly." This was a quote I found on Pinterest. Yes, it was about marriage, but it was definitely something I needed to see. All too often I find myself thinking that I need others to complete myself, but I only need God. I feel like I need the guy that I've completely fallen for but can't be with, or the friends that have given up on trying to have some sort of friendship. As humans and sinners, we try to use others and other things to complete us. Those things and people will leave us feeling complete for a while, but it will soon fade. God is the only One who will leave us feeling complete and whole and full of JOY. When I feel like talking to that guy or trying to fix that friendship again, I have to remember that God has me and He is going to fix things the way they need to be fixed.

 For a while I thought I couldn't even remember how to live life without certain people in my life, but in reality, I just wasn't trying like I should have been. My prayer saying God please help this or that to happen is not what my prayer should look like. I should instead pray that God's will be done and that my wants and desires match His. I know what I want my life to look like. But, if it's not what God has in mind, then it is nothing. 

We all have plans for our lives, but God tells us not to plan. Only He knows what tomorrow holds. I have never been a big planner because I've always seen how God flips plans around. God will direct your paths. I want to learn to accept things I cannot change. This is one of the hardest things to do, in my mind. I try to take control all too often, but God is teaching me to rely on Him. He has given me great JOY that will last an eternity. No matter what happens, I know that God is planning out my life perfectly. Whether I get to be with that guy...or not. Whether those friends and I will ever be friends again...or not. Whether I continue my education in the same way I want...or not. He know's what He is doing and I have to accept it. God, grant me a heart of acceptance.

 Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

In His Hands

I recently started a blog...no, not this one. Another one. Except my other blog got suspended. I'm really not sure why, I mean, all I did was talk about Jesus. Oh well haters gonna hate. Anyways, I was really sad about my blog being gone because I had lost the blogs that I had done. The last one I did was my favorite because while I was writing it, I discovered things that I had not known before. I was talking about it with a dear friend of mine and I told him that I really wanted people to read it because it meant so much to me. He then told me that maybe it was only meant for the people that read it, or perhaps it was only meant for me. That blog entry helped me realize how much God was working in my life. It made me realize that He has me in the palm of His hands and that I need only to love and follow Him. When my friend said this I realized that it was true. As I sat and wrote that entry, I cried out to God in happiness and laughter in realization that I did not have to worry. He is an amazing God that answers prayers in ways that we cannot even imagine.

We pray for patience and He most certainly gives us patience in ways that we think could not be any worse. I prayed for trust and I asked God to show me what it looked like to trust Him. Here I am not sure about anything in my life, living day by day, walking with Christ. He truly is directing my paths. I literally have no other choice to trust Him, He basically said, "This is what it looks like to trust Me." Although this life is hard and this lesson I am learning is not one I am fond of, I asked for it.

At the moment when I said I just want to take back my prayer and learn to trust God on my own, I realized that was impossible because without God i can do nothing. I can't keep my grades up, I can't keep scholarships, I can't have enough money for school, I can't better relationships with friends, I can't better relationships with guys, I can't do anything if I try to do it on my own. But with God, all things are possible. Things that seem hopeless and completely unseen, God says there is hope and shows me to trust Him in all situations  We might think that there could be a better way, but ultimately, God knows best. Trust Him in every situation and  stop worrying.

Philippians 4:6-7"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."