Never Grow Up

Okay, so don't judge me, but I'm already listening to Christmas music. Ahhh! I'm so excited for Christmas! I mean after all, it's the most wonderful time of the year! I have always hated when people listened to Christmas music too early or even the fact that before Halloween, decorations are already out, but last night I just couldn't help but listen to it. I know you will hear a thousand times during the next two months that Christmas is  about Jesus and it is, but I'm not going to talk about that. Jesus is the reason for the season, no doubt! Anyways, so last night my awesome roommate and I went for a walk and we ended up telling each other stories of things that happened when we were little. The stories we remember are the moments that impacted our lives the most. The times of getting hurt, or getting in trouble, or having the best day ever are the things that make us who we are today.

 I was lucky to grow up in a household where my parents are Godly, Christian people who raised me in the best way possible and helped shape me to be the person I am today. I don't always appreciate my parents like I should. Coming to college and hearing how other people struggled with their family has made me so much more grateful for the family God has given me. I can only hope that one day I will be as great of a parent to my future children as my parents were to me.

Growing up is just weird. I never thought I would be here. I didn't see myself actually making it to college and becoming the person that I am today. I'm starting to realize more and more that I'm growing up. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. I want to grow up, but then again, I don't. Growing up means being mature and making adult decisions. It means working and providing. It means taking care of yourself and possibly others too. It's a big responsibility that sometimes I wonder if I'm ready for. I'm one of the most immature people you'll ever meet. I am quite dependent on my parents even though I'm in college. For instance, a while back I had a really bad cold and had to go to the doctor. My mom has always made my doctor appointments for me and taken care of me and gotten my medicine and everything. My mom is not here with me at college so I had to go into the clinic by myself and do everything. I was a nervous wreck! Afterwards I was fine, but then I had to fill my prescription. What the mess was that supposed to mean to me?! I got my boyfriend at the time to take me and he helped me out, I felt so much like a child. That experience definitely made me realize how much I depend on my parents.This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but eventually I'm going to have to become independent and do things for myself.

Sometimes I feel like I'm almost there. I've mostly grown up and started to become more independent. I had to in order to come to college. But, it's hard because your parents don't want to let you go, and when they do, you wonder why they did. You want to feel like a child again. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to the times when there were a thousand presents under the tree at Christmas and my sister and I would stare googly-eyed at them until we felt that it was time for the parents to wake up. I want to go back to the time when my biggest worries were cleaning my room or deciding what I wanted to be for Halloween. Life was so much more simple then. However, I have learned so many things so I can only be grateful for the time I have had. We all have to grow up sooner or later, but as for right now, I think I'll choose later. I'm in the process of becoming the butterfly God made me to be, but this caterpillar stage is just a step in the right direction. God is forming me to be the person He wants to me to be and I can't wait to see all He has in store for me and all the people around me.

It happens

"I don't need you, I only need God. But because of God I have chosen perfectly." This was a quote I found on Pinterest. Yes, it was about marriage, but it was definitely something I needed to see. All too often I find myself thinking that I need others to complete myself, but I only need God. I feel like I need the guy that I've completely fallen for but can't be with, or the friends that have given up on trying to have some sort of friendship. As humans and sinners, we try to use others and other things to complete us. Those things and people will leave us feeling complete for a while, but it will soon fade. God is the only One who will leave us feeling complete and whole and full of JOY. When I feel like talking to that guy or trying to fix that friendship again, I have to remember that God has me and He is going to fix things the way they need to be fixed.

 For a while I thought I couldn't even remember how to live life without certain people in my life, but in reality, I just wasn't trying like I should have been. My prayer saying God please help this or that to happen is not what my prayer should look like. I should instead pray that God's will be done and that my wants and desires match His. I know what I want my life to look like. But, if it's not what God has in mind, then it is nothing. 

We all have plans for our lives, but God tells us not to plan. Only He knows what tomorrow holds. I have never been a big planner because I've always seen how God flips plans around. God will direct your paths. I want to learn to accept things I cannot change. This is one of the hardest things to do, in my mind. I try to take control all too often, but God is teaching me to rely on Him. He has given me great JOY that will last an eternity. No matter what happens, I know that God is planning out my life perfectly. Whether I get to be with that guy...or not. Whether those friends and I will ever be friends again...or not. Whether I continue my education in the same way I want...or not. He know's what He is doing and I have to accept it. God, grant me a heart of acceptance.

 Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

In His Hands

I recently started a blog...no, not this one. Another one. Except my other blog got suspended. I'm really not sure why, I mean, all I did was talk about Jesus. Oh well haters gonna hate. Anyways, I was really sad about my blog being gone because I had lost the blogs that I had done. The last one I did was my favorite because while I was writing it, I discovered things that I had not known before. I was talking about it with a dear friend of mine and I told him that I really wanted people to read it because it meant so much to me. He then told me that maybe it was only meant for the people that read it, or perhaps it was only meant for me. That blog entry helped me realize how much God was working in my life. It made me realize that He has me in the palm of His hands and that I need only to love and follow Him. When my friend said this I realized that it was true. As I sat and wrote that entry, I cried out to God in happiness and laughter in realization that I did not have to worry. He is an amazing God that answers prayers in ways that we cannot even imagine.

We pray for patience and He most certainly gives us patience in ways that we think could not be any worse. I prayed for trust and I asked God to show me what it looked like to trust Him. Here I am not sure about anything in my life, living day by day, walking with Christ. He truly is directing my paths. I literally have no other choice to trust Him, He basically said, "This is what it looks like to trust Me." Although this life is hard and this lesson I am learning is not one I am fond of, I asked for it.

At the moment when I said I just want to take back my prayer and learn to trust God on my own, I realized that was impossible because without God i can do nothing. I can't keep my grades up, I can't keep scholarships, I can't have enough money for school, I can't better relationships with friends, I can't better relationships with guys, I can't do anything if I try to do it on my own. But with God, all things are possible. Things that seem hopeless and completely unseen, God says there is hope and shows me to trust Him in all situations  We might think that there could be a better way, but ultimately, God knows best. Trust Him in every situation and  stop worrying.

Philippians 4:6-7"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."